Coffee and cigarettes…

November 26, 2008

found on craigslist…

Filed under: brain candy — techrat @ 3:22 pm

Originally from

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There’s only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

November 20, 2008

hey, florida! this is how it’s supposed to work!

Filed under: brain candy — techrat @ 9:59 am

Small Oregon Town Elects Openly-Transgendered Mayor

First off… said mayor isn’t exactly handsome. Or pretty. So consider yourself warned that you may want some eye bleach handy.

But what I find most awesome about this story is this: A small town where, literally, everyone knows everyone else – which is usually the sort of town that is fearful and hateful of things extra-ordinary – has basically shrugged its collective shoulders and said, “Who cares what s/he looks like? S/he does a good job and is a good person.”

We need many more towns like this. Then maybe, just maybe, equality will be real.

November 19, 2008

just a wee bauble…

Filed under: brain candy — techrat @ 10:39 pm

Every once in a while, I find something so extremely nifty and appropriate for someone in my life, it just has this way of making its way into their hands.

This is one such case.

Sheer, unadulterated niftyness

Sheer, unadulterated niftyness

November 18, 2008

overachiever’s anonymous

Filed under: brain candy,we need... a purpose — techrat @ 5:25 am

We’re in the homestretch for the fall term, and three out of four tests are complete in my Biology class. Through the miracle of extra credit, I present the following test results:

Test 1: 102 (not much extra pointage available on this one)
Test 2: 114 (highest in the class, due to scoring a couple of bonus EC points beyond the usual available amount by writing a blurb in the margins on the way fingerprints are made in the dermis)
Test 3: 117 (Curse you, trochlear nerve, for eluding me at test time and depriving me of a perfect-including-EC score. Curse you!)

Combine those with the 100% for the lab portion of the class (aka the “participant ribbon”, since you basically just have to show up to get this one), and I have a grand sum of 433 points, out of 450 necessary to get an A for the term.

So, apparently, for the final exam I basically just need to show up, have a pulse, and spell my name correctly… statistically speaking, I could Christmas tree the test itself and get enough points to get the A.

On the one hand… woohoo, the GPA remains unthreatened. It also remains ever so slightly imperfect… {shakes tiny fist in rage at the lone B on the transcript, a leftover from high school dual-enrollment classes}

On the other hand, it’s somewhat amusing that this isn’t my best result. Last year in Advanced Crime Scene Tech, I managed to garner enough extra credit throughout the term to take a Mulligan on the final and still walk with the A.

And on the gripping hand, I’m so not the type to do this. It just tickles me to know that I can.

From the study guide for this test, it looks like there’s about 15 extra points possible. Given the last test is on the endocrine and circulatory systems (and also given my somewhat pathological obsession with blood’s interesting properties and my fascination with the glandular systems), I think most of these will be mine.

It’s really a pity they can’t put plusses on transcripts. They wouldn’t need to buff the GPA… they’d just look awesome.

November 12, 2008

why i love miss kidd…

Filed under: brain candy — techrat @ 6:02 am

(#374 in a continuing series)

Miss Kidd is… well, mouthy. She’s about as unshy as I am shy. And on top of that, she has no clutch between brain and mouth. If she thinks it, she says it.

So she’s relaying her school days to me tonight, and talks about a kid in her geography class. They were doing test review, and this kid was just bombing. Didn’t know the difference between a state and a country. Thought the United States was a continent. That sort of thing.

After the third or fourth total whiff at the plate by this kid, she says, “Jeez, {redacted}, when did you become Sarah Palin?”

November 11, 2008

gimme a ‘c’… a bouncy ‘c’…

Filed under: brain candy,the precious — techrat @ 7:23 pm

Two words. First word, seven letters, sounds like ‘luster’. Second word, four letters, sounds like ‘firetruck’.

It’s one of Those Days here at the Fun Factory. There’s a push to deploy out onto the factory floor about 15 thin clients with keyboard, monitor, mouse and network, as well as roughly 20 very twitchy, slightly bitchy networked Zebra label printers.

Oh yeah, and they want about 30 barcode-scanning handhelds. That interface to the network wirelessly. And talk to our MRP system so all of the suits can have a “no sparrow shall fall” picture of where every single order, part, widget and sheet-metal screw are from the comfort of their own asses.

And, of course, they want it all in place Now. Preferably Yesterday, but they’ll take Now. When they originally came up with this brilliant frakkin’ idea, of course they asked me for a timetable for getting this done in a realistic fashion. And I gave them one. Which they promptly and summarily ignored.

Oh… did I mention that all these places they want these things have neither power nor network drops anywhere nearby?

And I suppose I should add that we don’t have the spare server capacity to serve that number of thin clients – which have a much heavier processing requirement than your basic PC, since the server has to do ALL of the thinking for them?

But, of course… I will get it done. I am that awesome. I am Scotty and Kaylee and Meredith Rodney McKay and Edison and Tesla. I will not be beaten by this petty of a problem.

“I told you once, you son of a bitch, I’m the best that’s ever been.”

Just don’t expect me to be gorram civil to anyone in the near future.

November 7, 2008

“You have been judged…

Filed under: brain candy — techrat @ 4:53 pm

…and we deem you acceptable.”

Today was the annual review here at the Fun Factory. I hit a couple of my goals out of the park, and the rest were judged satisfactory mostly because I don’t believe in my office being a sterile operating ward. A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind, and I’m one healthy bastard.

This is my "satisfactory" face.

This is my "satisfactory" face.

November 5, 2008

goddamn it so much…

Filed under: brain candy — techrat @ 5:43 am

No, this isn’t about the new president-elect. I’ve come to admire Mr. Obama, and hope he can live up to the hype and hope. I am remarkably cynical about politics in general, though, so while I say that I hope for the best, I am not looking for it to actually come to pass.

This is about our stupid state. Amendment 2 passed, which amends the state constitution to ban gay marriage.

I have plenty of friends who walk all of life’s different paths. It sucks that they’re being denied the right to marry. I mean, really… if they want to be that miserable, why the hell not let them?

I kid… but only slightly. While I’m not a big fan of marriage myself, I understand that it brings a lot of useful traits with it. There are legal workarounds which can add these, to some extent, but they can all be contested or invalidated by determined hostile parties.

I voted against this turd of an amendment. I’m sorry we didn’t get enough smart people voting against it.

Things like this are why I hate living in the crotch of the Bible Belt.

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